What Emotionally Intelligent Parents Do Differently

As parents, many of us dream of raising kids who are thoughtful, resilient, and emotionally in tune—not just with others, but with themselves. What I’m about to share with you can make a big difference in how you connect with your children. These steps are practical, research-backed, and have the power to strengthen your relationship while helping your kids build critical thinking and emotional intelligence.

But before we dive in, there are a couple of important things to keep in mind.

First, your child’s emotional intelligence often mirrors your own. As the saying goes, “You can’t lead someone where you haven’t gone.” If you struggle to manage your own emotions, it’s going to be tough to teach your kids how to manage theirs. So, take a moment to check in with yourself. How do you handle difficult emotions? Some of the strategies below may be just as useful for you as they are for your child.

Second, these tools are most effective when your child is in a calm or semi-calm state. They’re not designed for moments of full-blown meltdown or high escalation. And that’s okay—those moments call for a different set of strategies.

Lastly, I didn’t create these steps from scratch. They come from the work of experts like Dr. John Gottman and clinicians I worked with during my time at Telos, a therapeutic treatment center for teens. These tools are simple, powerful, and they really do work.

Step 1: Notice and Name the Emotion

Start by gently noticing your child’s emotional shift and putting words to it. Say something like, “You look a little sad—what’s going on?” or “You seem frustrated. Want to talk about it?”

This helps your child begin to recognize and name what they’re feeling. If they’re unsure or correct you—“I’m not sad, I’m mad!”—great! That’s a sign of growing self-awareness. The goal isn’t to be right about what they’re feeling, but to invite connection and curiosity.

Step 2: Validate What They’re Feeling

This step is all about empathy. Let your child know their feelings make sense—even if you wouldn’t feel the same way or even agree with them.

Validation might sound like:

• “Wow, that sounds really hard.”

• “I’d probably feel frustrated too if that happened to me.”

• “No wonder you’re upset—that’s a tough situation.”

Validation isn’t about fixing or minimizing. It’s about saying, “I see you, and your feelings matter.”

Step 3: Explore Options Together

Once your child feels seen, gently guide them toward thinking about next steps. Ask, “What are your options right now?” You’re planting the seeds of problem-solving and personal responsibility.

At first, you might get a shrug or an “I don’t know.” That’s normal. Give it a moment and encourage them: “You’re a smart kid—take a second and see what comes to mind.”

Sometimes, they’ll toss out wild ideas like, “I’ll just run away,” or “I should punch them.” Don’t jump to correct or lecture. Acknowledge that it is an option (because technically, it is) and ask what else they can think of. If they’re stuck, ask if they’d like to hear a few suggestions from you—always as an offer, not a demand.

As they list options, help them think through the outcomes:

• “What do you think would happen if you tried that?”

• “How might that choice make things better—or worse?”

Step 4: Let Them Choose

This is where you hand over the reins. Let your child make the final decision, within safe boundaries. Even if they pick something you wouldn’t choose, the experience of owning a decision (and learning from the results) is incredibly valuable.

Some of the most meaningful growth comes from decisions that didn’t go so well—and from knowing their parent still supports them through it.

Step 5: Set Boundaries and Forecast Consequences

Feelings are always valid. Behaviors, on the other hand, come with consequences—natural or parent-set. This is where you might say: “If you go that route, I’ll have to respond with [consequence], and I don’t want to do that. I hope you’ll take that into account as you decide.”

It’s not about threats—it’s about helping them understand cause and effect in a safe, respectful way.

Step 6: Follow Up

Don’t forget to check back in. Whether your child made a great decision or a not-so-great one, they need to know you’re still in their corner.

If they made a wise choice, celebrate it with encouragement. If not, reaffirm your love and help them reflect on what they learned and what they might do differently next time.

I’ve used these steps both with my own kids and in professional settings, and I can tell you—they work. They won’t magically fix every situation overnight, but they’ll build a deeper connection, foster independence, and help your child become more emotionally intelligent and capable.

Start small. Even if you don’t do it perfectly, the effort alone sends a powerful message: I’m here, I care, and I believe in you.