What Happy Couples Do Differently—Starting with This One Thing

Have you felt a growing distance between you and your partner? Do your conversations often revolve around logistics—daily routines, responsibilities, or the kids—rather than meaningful connection? If so, you’re not alone. Fortunately, there’s a powerful concept that can help shift this dynamic and foster deeper intimacy: bids for connection.

Originally introduced by renowned relationship expert Dr. John Gottman in his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, bids for connection refer to the small, everyday attempts we make to engage with our partner emotionally. These moments can be verbal or non-verbal—anything from sharing a story, offering a hug, making eye contact, or even sending a funny meme. A simple “How was your day?” or “Guess what happened at work?” may seem ordinary, but it’s actually a subtle invitation to connect.

Throughout the day, couples make dozens of these bids. The way we respond to them is critical. According to Gottman, there are three common responses:

1. Rejecting the bid, which might sound like dismissing or belittling what your partner says.

2. Ignoring the bid, where no acknowledgment is given at all.

3. Accepting the bid, which involves turning toward your partner with interest and engagement.

   
   

Only the third response—acceptance—strengthens emotional bonds. It communicates, both literally and metaphorically, that you are turning toward your partner rather than away.

Consider this simple example: you're driving together on a warm summer day when one of you says, “Look at that beautiful boat! I can totally picture us out on the lake with the kids.” In that moment, your reaction matters. Do you stay silent, thinking, “Here we go again—another dream we can’t afford”? Do you vocalize that skepticism and shut the conversation down? Or do you lean in and respond with curiosity: “That is a nice boat! What do you love about it?”

It’s easy to see which response fosters connection and invites more meaningful dialogue.

Start paying attention to how you typically respond to your partner’s bids. Are you present and engaged, or are stress, distractions, or technology getting in the way? Identifying the barriers can help you take intentional steps to reduce them.

Gottman’s research is striking: couples who respond positively to 70–80% of bids tend to report high levels of satisfaction in their relationship. These are the happy couples. In contrast, couples who ultimately separate often respond to only 30–40% of bids. The takeaway? Small moments matter. The more frequently you accept and engage with your partner’s bids for connection, the stronger your emotional bond becomes.

So why not start today? Look for those little openings—those casual remarks, passing touches, or shared glances—and choose to respond with warmth and interest. The difference it makes might surprise you.