5 Toxic Habits That Are Definitely Fixing Your Relationship

Disclaimer (because the internet requires it): This article is dripping with sarcasm. These are not actual recommendations. These are the five-star fails we somehow keep pulling out of our emotional junk drawer. If you've ever wondered why your relationship feels like a slow-motion car crash, good news: you might already be using one or more of these classic losing strategies.

We all want to connect, communicate, and cuddle like a rom-com in its third act. And yet, when stress hits, we reach not for kindness or compromise—but for the well-worn toolset of relational sabotage. So, if you're looking to absolutely not heal your relationship, here are five surefire strategies to keep the love light flickering... and then extinguished.

1. Control: Because Love is Best Served with a Side of Micro-Management

Why let your partner have their own thoughts or feelings when yours are obviously better? The key here is relentless correction. Whether it’s telling them how to load the dishwasher (wrong, obviously), or letting them know their emotions are just a bit too... emotional—this is your time to shine.

Pro tip: Try mixing direct commands ("You shouldn't feel that way") with subtle manipulation ("Wow, I guess some people do think like that"). Variety keeps the oppression fresh.

2. Being Right: The Cornerstone of Every Failed Marriage

You know what really builds connection? Winning. At everything. All the time. Especially arguments.

Use this strategy by fact-checking every memory, never admitting fault, and treating compromise like it's a contagious disease. Your partner will come to adore the certainty that they’re always wrong—it’s comforting, really.

Bonus points if you start sentences with “Actually…” and end them with a smug smile.

3. Unbridled Self-Expression: If You Feel It, Say It (No Matter the Fallout)

Authenticity is beautiful—so beautiful, in fact, that there's no need to filter your rage, sarcasm, or deeply unhealed childhood wounds. Just let it all fly.

Think of it as emotional street art: loud, messy, and impossible to ignore. Name-calling, historical grievances, and unsolicited critiques of their parenting style? Yes, yes, and YES. Your partner will be thrilled to know they’ve been disappointing you since 2007.

4. Withdrawal: Emotional Ghosting for Beginners

When in doubt, shut it down. Emotionally. Physically. Spiritually. Just shut it all down.

Silence speaks louder than words—and nothing says “I love you” like three days of stone-faced brooding and answering every question with "I'm fine." Want to really drive the message home? Start withdrawing from entire sections of the relationship. Sex. Shared goals. Eye contact. Let them guess what they did wrong. That’s half the fun.

5. Retaliation: Relationship Jenga with a Sledgehammer

Ah, retaliation—the revenge fantasy’s less glamorous cousin. When your partner hurts you, the only logical next step is to hurt them harder. Fairness is for the emotionally mature. And we don’t do that here.

There are two flavors: Direct (loud yelling, expertly timed guilt trips, dramatic flouncing) and Indirect (withholding affection, cancelling plans, suddenly “forgetting” their birthday). Because nothing heals wounds like opening new ones.

Final Thought:

These strategies will get results. Just not the ones you want. If any of these sound familiar, congratulations—you’re a perfectly flawed human. But maybe, just maybe, it’s time to retire these tactics and try something a little less… destructive?